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beautiful is just fine

At yesterday's gallery talk by photographer Barbara Southworth and watercolorist Deborah Ellis, something Barbara said really resonated with me:

It's okay to strive for beauty in one's art. "Pretty," not so much...but I see nothing wrong with accessible and beautiful. Not all art has to make us stand there and scratch our heads, wondering what it's about.

Perhaps as an emerging artist, I've felt inadequate by creating objects that I feel are "just beautiful." As if, by being pleasing to me or inspired by the person for whom I make the piece, they are somehow not art. These, I know, are the voices in my own head, not the truth.

I'm not there yet on incorporating (or even knowing) the layers of meaning and technique that become great art. Not even sure that's where I want to go with this. Then again, the surprising responses I get from people who see my work tell me it goes beyond just being another pretty face.

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learning to dance again

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Very motivated by a couple of book art projects, am devouring several texts by Keith Smith:

Non-Adhesive Binding: Books Without Paste or Glue

Bookbinding for Book Artists

Structure of the Visual Book

I remember as a young dancer, how I only really danced once I didn't have to consciously think about technique. There came a time when I just flowed and lost myself in expression and doing something beautiful. Now, as much as I yearn to be free from the concerns of technique in my book art, I'm reminded not to wish this time of wonder away.

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from skeptic to evangelist

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I started this blog less than a year ago as an experiment. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about around blogging, facebook, youtube - and certainly not twitter. What difference would any of this make and why should I care?

Well, was I wrong.

Not only have we elected a new President - thanks largely to these social media tools - but my communications consulting practice has taken off! Suddenly, through sheer experimentation and sense of adventure, I now know more about the power of these tools to incite real change. I find myself pulled into all kinds of interesting and meaty projects that are transforming opaque, inefficient bureaucracies mired in resistance and inertia. Cool!

Come full circle yesterday. In a book arts listserv, I incited a little riot by suggesting that twitter et al. might be useful artist tools for researching topical content, running an informal survey to generate content related to a book art project, taking the pulse of a certain "target audience," or increasing awareness for one's work simply by showing up in select conversations. Several folks soooo didn't get it.

Kind of like the naysayers in my day job. I don't think this is an either/or thing - and that it's still evolving. For me, these tools are only as powerful as the choices people make to engage offline as well. Maybe that's why I cherish the book arts - and indeed, my work as an agent of change inside messy organizations. I relish the low-tech, hands-on grounding both give me in an otherwise info-saturated, too-often disconnected world.

For anyone who is interested:

How the Arts are rocking it out through Social Media

Business Week: Why Twitter Matters

why i journal

Someone recently asked why I blog. Actually, I'd rather offer why I journal, inspired by something I read this morning in A Trail Through Leaves: the journal as a path to place:

The act of recording a life, in healthy solitude and active connection to loved terrain, is also the act of creating a life...The journal has become a necessary extension of my thinking, feeling self...a place to decant the stuff of life; reassuringly, none of it wasted.

update on pairings

My paste paper/sewn handmade paper Pairings have morphed into six little 3x3" drum leaf books. Am now finishing a custom clamshell box for them to live in. Next up: experimenting with titling options. The box has recessed blocks for lid and spine titles. Am eager to see if my fancy new Epson R2880 pigment printer is up to the task. Otherwise, I'll letterpress the title blocks onto some nice art paper.

lessons in change

As I fumed into the phone last night at the woman from East-West Logistics who shipped our Buddha statues from China, I paused to note the irony of it all. It occured to me that I was way too attached to the outcome of whether or not we'll pay extra fees to extract our treasures from the Port of Baltimore.

My attachment to outcomes seems to be showing up a lot these days. Whether it's my controlling insistance that all other living creatures in the household live up to my standards of homekeeping, or my temptation to do an end-run around my husband's reasonable resistance to me dropping everything to pursue a career in the arts...detachment and patience are elusive friends.

The I Ching tells me I should not act out of frustration, anxiety, despair, or desire to escape the situation. Instead, I'm to still myself and look for the lesson hidden inside the difficulty. I'm to correct my attitude until it is open, detached, and unstructured...abandon my goals and stay on the path, where I'm to proceed step by step.

For a girl who likes to plan and get on with it, this is going to be quite the challenge.

pairings

I'm loving a new little boxed book set that I've been working on called Pairings. The "pairings" are a series of paste papers and sewn handmade papers, where I've played with patterns, repetition and color. I'm using a nifty structure that Julie Leonard taught us at Penland this summer, the glue-free (!) drum leaf. Will add more shots as the books and box are completed, but for now, here are some of the papers I made:

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no geographic fixes

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I don't want this to be my Denver. Let me explain...

Almost 2 years ago, my husband and I seriously considered uprooting and relocating to Denver. We were overwhelmed by the cost of housing in the DC market and were looking at all options. The "easier" path of getting more for our money and exactly what we wanted was very alluring. Never mind it required a complete reboot of my small business and leaving our support network behind.

The real issue, however, was fear of making the tough decisions and executing them with commitment and discipline so that we could get what we wanted: a home of our own that we loved here in DC. When we finally dug in to do just that, we landed nicely. While I'm guessing that we could have made Denver work, I believe we may have continued to run from the issues we really needed to face.

So is my increasingly strong draw towards a career in the arts my new Denver...or an important transformation not to be diminished or pushed underground?

I don't know enough yet, but the topic is on the table and out in the open around here. Finally. I've been carrying it around for over a year now, telling myself this is just a hobby...something to do in my spare time. But it's time to start airing this thing, this pull, this magnetic yet natural draw I feel to reclaiming my artist self.

Question is, can I do this without completely reinventing my life? Haven't I done enough of that already? Yes, and...maybe this is what's next. Maybe now that the dust has settled and I've got some stability, I can look around for my heart's desire. And maybe I can do it in a way that's not dramatic, does not cause unnecessary chaos or hardship, and that still keeps me grounded as a responsible and contributing member of a marriage.

That doesn't preclude there being some angst as this topic is aired around here. Far form it. But I trust that more than I would unquestioning support or codependent compliance. For this not to be my geographic fix, I must face and address the things that challenge me most.

moving parts

Have started a little project (Moving Parts) that involves my two passions: book arts and dance. More about it as things develop, but today I dropped by rehearsal at the dance company involved in the project, CityDance, to get a first look at "Entangled," a new piece being created for their January performance at the Harman Center. I was only there for about 45 minutes, but what I absorbed in that short exposure filled a page in my sketchbook!

It was intimate and fascinating to witness the creation of this piece - count by count, comment by comment, negotiations between the dancers (Liz and Jerome), choreographer (Paul) and dancers, perhaps the dancers with themselves (can I really balance her and dip this way?). Just listening to their conversations triggered ideas, as did asking the dancers about their takes on what's emerging for them.

Thanks, Paul, Jerome and Liz, for the warm welcome. Attached are a few shots from the field (complements of my phone - next time I'll bring a real camera)...

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not so far and away

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Have finally recovered from wicked jet lag and accompanying cold, post-China trip. Have not recovered from the perspective-altering, mind-shifting experience of this trip - and hope I never do. It was everything I'd hoped for and far more. Surprise after surprise appeared, some delightful, others disturbing, all eye-opening.

The world feels smaller and I now feel connected to a land and people so far away...all this from only a 10-day visit. Maybe it's because we sought out experiences and interactions beneath the touristy surface. That, and indulging my thirst for all things paper, print and book art. For a taste, here are images of some of my favorite things.

attachment

Apparently, getting hit by a 2x4 was the only way I was going to learn that, indeed, I can't control the universe. This includes holding onto or otherwise attempting to "protect" what I have right now. Living the good life - and by that I mean a relatively carefree, abundant, drama-free life - is not guaranteed, no matter how much yoga, acupuncture, therapy and mediation I do. Crap will continue to rain down, regardless of how hard I try to keep my eye on every little thing I've been learning that's turned my life around these past 5+ years.

That's the irony: in the process of keeping my eye on "every little thing" (aka, attempting to ward off the bad stuff), I took my eye off what matters most: to not get attached to what is. So despite trying so hard to "do it right," it's not about preventing what I fear through "right" living. It's about understanding that nothing is permanent and that there's no insurance to protect me from what life brings - just reassurance that this, too, shall pass.

I do believe these tools are getting me closer to "turning it over." I just didn't realize how much I needed the extra push.

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books transformed

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Su Blackwell's "The 12 Dancing Princesses" (2007)I recall my reaction the first time I learned about altered books: a mix of shock, guilt and curiosity. It somehow felt wrong to tear into, cut up or otherwise transform an object I'd always revered as sacred, or at least precious. But how my take on this has shifted! Su Blackwell's work covers the sacred, precious and downright beautiful. I love how she describes her work, which resonates for me in many ways:

It is the delicacy, the slight feeling of claustrophobia, as if these characters, the landscape have been trapped inside the book all this time and are now suddenly released.

grounded truth

Spent the day with my 15-year old niece today. We went to the Spy Museum and lunch, her choice. At the end of the fascinating, educational and all around excellent exhibit we watched a movie, Ground Truth. It tells the story of how espionage is now playing a major role in a very different 21st century war - no longer targeting one major "dragon" (the Soviet Union), but now tracking intel from countless smaller and more dangerous "serpents" (terrorists). Knowing, from an insider's perspective, what's happening "on the ground" is the name of the game. An arm's-length relationship to the action interpreted through satellite photos is not enough.

On the metro ride home, we got to talking about this blog - having just "friended" me on Facebook, we were discussing the trickiness of boundaries and our online selves in general. When she asked why "designing a life" I told her the truth about its genesis and what I'm trying to do here. Which led to more questions: what did happen back then? Having skirted her questions in younger years, I decided it was time for some gentle honesty, not an arm's-length brush off.

The result was a sweet, connected conversation in which we both opened up and shared. Not inappropriately, but enough that it felt real and like I wasn't hiding something from her, ashamed of my past or treating her like a child. Talking about my whole life - not just its rebuilding - is my ground truth. Denying what was or skirting the issue doesn't make me the kind of role model I want to be for her.

However, compassionately embracing what's true on the ground does.

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wake-up call

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Got a timely wake-up call yesterday, in the form of losing a contract bid for a major job. Timely, in that I'd been getting a little cocky about a string of wins and didn't see this one coming. Ouch - especially since I was the incumbent. The universe's way of keeping me grounded, it seems.

So after a few minutes of fussing, cussing and blaming, I settled down and started journaling. Here's where I am so far...

I got beat out by a new comer – a 1 (2?) person consulting 8a with government-specific creds and great packaging. I am ultimately very competitive. I hate getting beat out. But this little firm beat me, fair and square. On image, at least. Maybe on competence and results, maybe not. But me smugly “knowing” that they client won’t get as good a result as they would with me does not mitigate the fact that I did not get this contract.

The real question for me now is am I going to really jump in here to compete in a way that will win biz? I know what to do: redo my business website, be crystal clear on what I offer to whom, and compete. Really compete. Not this half-hearted uncommitted approach I’ve been taking. My client work is whole-hearted and totally committed - my effort to "show up fully" in this market is not.

Doing is not the issue. What do I want? It means making a conscious choice. I’m at a turning point, actually. Bite the bullet and compete or don’t. But be very clear I have a choice. Instead of feeling bad or pointing fingers, this is all about me stepping up (or not), and then being accountable for my decision. And being at peace with it. In hindsight, I did see this coming - and by this, I mean a turning point, not the smaller "this" of losing a bid. I just didn't want to deal with it.

This is a wake up call. It’s time to decide. Consider. Choose. Then act.

Losing this bid could be the best outcome, actually. It asks me to pay attention. To stand up and stop playing small, making due with what lands in my lap. It’s not a sustainable strategy for getting what I want: serenity, peace, contentment and joy.

What I'm not clear on yet is the right choice for me now. I need to sit with this. Check in with myself and the small circle of wise mentors and supporters I've learned to both trust and believe. Maybe this is just part of my transition strategy. Could I tolerate it more if I saw it as a means to an end? I know I don’t want to be a big federal contracting firm – if I did, I would be acting to do so.

But can I be successful “enough” to get what I want: the platform and means to other things? Can I make enough of a living and really help my clients, without eating up all of my time or creative juice, to engage enough with the book arts (learn,  create, build relationships) to eventually sell my work, have a studio and teach?